Wednesday, May 24, 2006

my bad day today is not even close to as bad as it was when I was in my addiction (or that's what I have to remind myself):

well I had a freak out body image day today. my boyfriend came to pick me up for golf, and I looked in the mirror as I was getting dressed and freaked out. I felt fat and ugly and I didn't want to go. The Boy was calm as usual. He said I didn't have to go but that he thought it would be good if I went outside and enjoyed the beautiful day. I was being hysterical (and in retrospect egotistical). I know he wanted me to go, because he likes me to be involved in his hobbies and things he likes. Of courses, I was too caught up in my appearance.

There was nothing I could do, and there is nothing I can do in this moment to make myself thinner or prettier or whatever magical thing I like will make my life better. At this second, I have no control over my weight. Only God has control (haha I just keep forgetting). Being hysterical does not accomplish anything, and it definitely doesn't make me thinner (even if thinner was the magical key to happiness).

Well when the Boy finally calmed me down, we started to leave, and he told me he parked close so we wouldn't have to walk. When he went downstairs, he car was gone. Apparently he had parked behind a business, and they had him towed. I blamed myself: "if I hadn't taken so long, this wouldn't have happened." He was obviously upset; payday for him is Friday, and he has zero dollars in his checking account.

My guilt overwhelmed me, and I offered to pay in the meantime. I was in such a rush to "fix things" and make things better, that I didn't check to see how much money I had in my account. I overdrew, and it was a big ($85 towing+ bank fees) mess. I had emergency cash, and I went to the bank and put in what I could.

We still ended up playing golf (I scrapped enough money), because I was concerned that if I stayed around to sulk in my guilt and disappointment, I would eat and eat and eat and purge.

What I am happy about is that I dealt with my problems in a healthy manner. Vomitting is never a healthy way to deal with emotions. Even when I think about bingeing and purging it sounds biazarre and irrational. That is the nature of my disease: I do things that are biazarre and irrational but somehow in my addict mind they seem perfectly rational.

It reminds me of that story in the Big Book where the man tells himself "oh, it will be okay if I can whiskey as long as I mix it with milk." I tell myself those things all the time, and they actually sound like great ideas.

Looks like I am still an addict. what a surprise.


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