Saturday, May 27, 2006

I woke up and ate in my sleep the night before last. I was terrified. I haven't done that in a long time, and I woke up in the morning to find crumbs everywhere.

I prayed and prayed before bed last night. I did wake up but for some reason, I was able to stop the bingeing, and instead I only ate a piece of ham. Progress not perfection I guess.

The other miracle was that my roommate had tons of icecream and normally, I would have stolen it, eaten it, and then replaced it the next morning. I didn't even touch it. Thank God.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

all i want to do right now is use or drink or eat or something.

i'm just so used to coming home from a long day and numbing out with a substance. I listen to 12 step speakers online sometimes, and there was one speaker who talked about how she would lock herself in the bathroom in the bathtub somtimes for entire nights to keep herself from using.

Tonight might be one of those nights
Today I read my sponsor a long detailed list of every diet I've ever been on. It was boring and very gross.

I know I have a mental, physical, and spiritual disease because:
  1. I have been on 35 diets in the past 7 years
  2. I have been 20 lbs underweight and 20 pounds overweight within the same year
  3. I have nightmares about losing my teeth
  4. I purged at least 5 times a week for 3 years and up to 10 times a day every for 4 years
  5. I have starved for up to 30 days at a time
  6. I have locked myself in my apartment and baricaded the door to keep myself from bingeing and purging
  7. I have abused drugs and alcohol in an attempt to prevent myself from eating
  8. I have gone to a cabin in the woods for weeks on end to starve
  9. I have paid thousands to go to fasting spas or to lock myself in fancy hotels
  10. I have moved to try to escape my disease
  11. I have made suicide pacts with myself to lose weight
  12. I got a tattoo of the date b/c I thought it would make me stop eating (etc)
  13. I abused laxatives
  14. I stole lots and lots of food and money
  15. I lied to almost everyone I encountered
  16. I was so caught up in myself that I completely forgot about other people
  17. I prayed to God begging him to make me skinny but was not willing to go to any lengths to make it all stop
  18. I was judgemental and even cruel to other addicts and eating disordered girls because "I was nothing like them"
  19. I was selfish
  20. I never listened to God and I only believed in him when I wanted to ask for his help to lose weight
  21. I went into debt buying food, diet books, replacing stolen items, buying drugs and alcohol.
  22. All my real friends gave up on my, and I only attracted other addicts
  23. I only thought about myself
  24. I was a horrible friend
  25. I was emotionally unstable
  26. I was a horrible daughter
  27. once I ate my 3 year old cousin's birthday cake and then before anyone got home I offered him a piece and smeared cake on his face. He giggled and dug into the remaining few bites with his hands. When everyone got home they assumed he had eaten the whole cake himself. He got sent to his room and punished.
to be continued.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

my bad day today is not even close to as bad as it was when I was in my addiction (or that's what I have to remind myself):

well I had a freak out body image day today. my boyfriend came to pick me up for golf, and I looked in the mirror as I was getting dressed and freaked out. I felt fat and ugly and I didn't want to go. The Boy was calm as usual. He said I didn't have to go but that he thought it would be good if I went outside and enjoyed the beautiful day. I was being hysterical (and in retrospect egotistical). I know he wanted me to go, because he likes me to be involved in his hobbies and things he likes. Of courses, I was too caught up in my appearance.

There was nothing I could do, and there is nothing I can do in this moment to make myself thinner or prettier or whatever magical thing I like will make my life better. At this second, I have no control over my weight. Only God has control (haha I just keep forgetting). Being hysterical does not accomplish anything, and it definitely doesn't make me thinner (even if thinner was the magical key to happiness).

Well when the Boy finally calmed me down, we started to leave, and he told me he parked close so we wouldn't have to walk. When he went downstairs, he car was gone. Apparently he had parked behind a business, and they had him towed. I blamed myself: "if I hadn't taken so long, this wouldn't have happened." He was obviously upset; payday for him is Friday, and he has zero dollars in his checking account.

My guilt overwhelmed me, and I offered to pay in the meantime. I was in such a rush to "fix things" and make things better, that I didn't check to see how much money I had in my account. I overdrew, and it was a big ($85 towing+ bank fees) mess. I had emergency cash, and I went to the bank and put in what I could.

We still ended up playing golf (I scrapped enough money), because I was concerned that if I stayed around to sulk in my guilt and disappointment, I would eat and eat and eat and purge.

What I am happy about is that I dealt with my problems in a healthy manner. Vomitting is never a healthy way to deal with emotions. Even when I think about bingeing and purging it sounds biazarre and irrational. That is the nature of my disease: I do things that are biazarre and irrational but somehow in my addict mind they seem perfectly rational.

It reminds me of that story in the Big Book where the man tells himself "oh, it will be okay if I can whiskey as long as I mix it with milk." I tell myself those things all the time, and they actually sound like great ideas.

Looks like I am still an addict. what a surprise.
I woke up late this morning. I slept right through my alarm (I usually call my sponsor at 7:30 a.m.) every morning. I just called her and apologized. We talked about our crazy food issues, and I felt better. I am doing volunteer work this summer. I am working in a battered women's shelter on the crisis hotline. Right now I going through training. I feel very fulfilled.

I don't have any face to face meetings around here, and so I have decided to do more service in the outside community. I forget how much doing service eases the recovery process. It softens my ego. Everytime I help others I realize how this disease makes me very absorbed.

I'm going to have breakfast and then go with my boyfriend to play golf. Since I don't play golf myself, I sometimes go around with him with he plays: carry his golf bag, get some exercise, and get away from foood. okay well strike out the carrying of the golf bag. actually if I get hot I might just get a cart hehe.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Problem foods & behaviors:

-diet coke, diet soda of any kind (I seriously would drink about 10 a day. it's disgusting)
-anything sugar free
-sugar
-flour
-eating in between meals
-eating my meals before I am hungry (just because it is "lunchtime" or "dinnertime")


sugar free foods had become my binge food of choice. i felt less guilt, but I would usually purge anyway because I would end up eating multiple boxes. Still, I was able to rationalize my behaviors with sugar-free candy, cookies, etc etc b/c "at least it was better than real sugar." It's like telling myself that drinking beer is better than liquor. It's like telling myself I'm only an addict on Mondays, but not on Tuesdays. I seriously could rationalize anything (eating from the trash, purging in a public place, stealing food).

This is why I cannot make the decisions. I leave decisions up to my higher power and my sponsor. I am not rational around food. I am not rational around diets. I am definitely no rational when exposed to gossip magazines and fitness magazines with size 00 girls telling me that they "eat chocolate every day" ...

trust me people, I was in an inpatient eating disorder with a few famous girls. Then I left the hospital and I would read about how they claim to "just have a high metabolism"... it is smoke and mirrors.

advertisements for diet pills and diets are meant to fail. If they didn't keep failing, you wouldn't keep buying the next new thing.

What I need to ask myself: Is this supporting my abstinence? Is this food supporting my higher power?

Turning over my food gives me the freedom to live my life.
Here's some background. I am a recent college graduate. I have suffered from bulimia and overall food addiction for 7 years. I have come to a point of exhaustion. I have been in Overeaters Anonymous (www.OA.org) for a year, and I recently switched to a more structured program. I follow a CEA-HOW program (www.ceahow.org). I lead a sober lifestyle (alcohol and I have always been on the brink of chaos). I have been clean from prescription drugs addiction since March 21, 2005.

As far as my food addiction program goes, I slipped a few days ago, and since my denial have come flooding back. I thought I could be an "intuitive eater," and after a box of cookies, a pint of icecream, 3 hot chocolates, a massive bowl of pasta, and half a loaf of bread, I was quite humbled.

I must remind myself that I cannot feel guilty. This is part of my disease. All I can do is be honest and work towards "progress not perfection."

Today is Day one for me, but I will try not to get too caught up in the day count.